They call it “agoraphobia”

little story on how I found The Outside

Remember that time I didn’t go outside?

One day, one week, one month. A year

It started with the paths. The footpaths.

proof i go outside

“I haven’t got mascara on and my eyes look like that of a naked molerat so I don’t want to walk near the main road when I walk the dog. I’ll just walk these streets, the side streets. Then no one will see my ill fitting activewear and my dirty hair and then and then and then”

“I won’t go to the main shopping centre, it’s too busy and it’ll be loud and what happens if it’s very long lines and I need to pee and I can’t pee because the lines are too long and then i’ll just what? just PISS MYSELF? Not on my watch buddy.. Better go to the corner store”

What about bob- Bill Murray

“I’ll just send my husband in to the store because I am the one who drives the car and that way I can stay in the car and I can keep the airconditioner on and what a noble, humble thing of me to do. Yes that’s the right call. 100%”

“He can grab our daughter from daycare and walk her back because I have been wfh all day and I look tired and I’ll be judged by the other parents and also what if I come across a sick child and I get contaminated yeah totally best to stay home”

That’s the kind of false logic and habits that started it. Started me being an insidehuman™

I was an insidehuman™ for at least a year after covid.
“It’s called agoraphobia” my doctor looked at me (over telehealth call).

She stated it was three things that fucked me up.

• contamination ocd

• habit forming beliefs

• a pervasive preoccupation with self

It got to the point where I wouldn’t go to the mailbox (because they’re watching and going to judge me and I was not an accurate representation of myself right now oh ho no)

Of course, I had my safety nets.
safe friends
safe places
safety behaviours.

My world got so small though.

At the beginning of 2024, I met my former co-founder online and she flew to Sydney, a 5hr flight from me.
I couldn’t tell her I was a shut-in, surely.
So I didn’t.
I skirted around the subject, explaining how my daughter needed me home. The urge was so strong to just change though.

I got on the plane, shaking and out of breath. Up until this point, I didn’t think I had a problem. It wasn’t until she suggested I grab coffees while she unpacked/had a shower that I realised how intense my problem was.
The Outside.

I hyperventilated my way down a street in Pyrmont, seeking to regulate my heart rate. what the fuck is wrong with me.

It started slowly but surely, getting to The Outside. Earbuds at first, blasting extra stimuli to drown out the People.

You cannot beat agoraphobia by staying home. You cant.
I remember having a talk with my dad one day where he showed me where I learned it.

After lamenting “oh yeah I just can’t seem to manage to go in to the grocery store any more and I don’t know why and I hate that (insert daughters name) doesn’t have a normal fucking functioning human mother but instead has a mother who is “funny online” but irl is a hermit”.

He confirmed “oh yeah, but everyone feels like that?”

Dad, what?

oh baby nah that ain’t gon work.

I then recalled my grandad and his pervasive Insideness.

This is something I’ve learned.

This is a habit I can break.

I just need to tie together positive outcomes with going to The Outside.

So I started small. Consulting the good people of Reddit- I realised that exposure was the only way to The Outside.

I made (and deleted) multiple accountability threads on .. Threads

Podcasts helped. Ringing a friend and having them monologue helped.

I’m not 100% but I’m pretty damn good at going Outside.

Now, my physical spontaneity and movement match my internal spontaneity.

I have become a Normal.